Am I here or am I disappearing?

The world is so cruel. And the worst thing is that people make it up to be *politically correct* to be cruel. Creating all the statistics, who is what, what that means, they're not that which they see themselves as. We know. We, the right social norms.
I spend a long time in my head, I've done it all my life. I like it. I like my self-awareness and taking the time to broaden it.But all the statistics and the numbers, the *science* behind us, behind who we are. We're told we need to grow out of who we are. And we start to believe we need to disown ourselves. Whether you're 16 or 25 or 35, you know this all too well. We are not what we should be until we are what they say we need to be because our mind, while so diverse can not manifest in our look. I don't want my father telling me *I will turn out to be okay* one day because I dress and carry myself a certain way. I am a soul. I am art. I am an one and only. To myself I am the only one who needs to agree. I shall not disown the home I've built within myself to become worthy of your world. My world is no one else's to roam. I will not hide or keep my statement buried.

4:32 am//to everyone who never came back from the forest

We were driving down the road to the land which we wanted as our home

but after a while our car broke down in the dirt road

and you went away to search for a soul to help.

I sat and waited in the backseat

and waited some more.

I cried myself to sleep on your leather seats

hoping the light of day would bring you back.

The lights were still out upon waking.

The cold steel blade of the icy air cut open the stitches

which all of you sewed across my skin.

I laid there, numb and cold.

My fingers blue, my eyes red.

The hours became days and the days became hours

and they went back and forth in my mind.

I got out, only to discover the eyes of the beasts laid on me.

Gazing right at the open wounds, the dripping blood.

And so I ran and ran into the shadows of the tall trees.

My body crumbles if I take another step

but I need to go, to go home. Our home. My home. Your home.

Nobodies' home.

It smelled like salt. Like rain, Like the breeze of the ocean.

I saw a dark figure before my breathless body collapsed on the ground.

My final thought being "This is where it shall all end, where I end, where our dream dies"

Again, waking up, with the hope of all this being the nightmare from my childhood.

I saw the water and the sand. The rocks and waves crashing into them.

All my blurry vision caught was the water turned red and the beast licking my wounds.

"Is this the silence before the storm?"

I stood up and the second must have split into two when I fell to my knees before the never ending water, and the bodies of our childhood villains who never got the happily ever after.

"I belong here"- I mumble as I look into the creatures eyes.

"Are you going to kill me now?"

"You already killed yourself my dear"

I stood up for the last time, walked into the crystal water and dived down, my lungs filling with water

To everyone back home, who told me not to go.

Do not weep and do not cry.

The waves shall bring my body back to you.

October thoughts

Do we really have a mission in this world?
Do we really change into something different everyday?
Or is everyone deliberately hiding more as each day passes?
Do I know you as I knew you 10 years ago?
I don't see it.
I am not bitter.
I am not lacking trust.
I am scared,
scared of myself.
Of the way my mind and body push to alter,
but there's something else
that creates an opposite and equal reaction
to never let me feel less.
I feel the same as I did 10 years ago when a stack of metal
fell over me and nearly broke my bones,
Only now, it's inside
and it doesn't go away if I'm careful.
It only hurts.
And nothing is a cure or a distraction.
I have been made this way
and this way I shall die.
Unmoved by external laws,
severely bruised by the daggers which were my own creation.
Oh how lovely it must be not to feel and not have it kill you/

Growth of death

What happens to the person

who has fought with themselves

since they weren’t even able to tie their own shoes?

They either grow to believe things get better and make it out

or they grow into their destined shattered self and live until one day the ball drops and it’s not about patience or hope anymore.

It’s either ride or die.

Look at you, you fragile robbed soul

who were brave enough to give yourself away

when you only had your heart, crippled as it is.

Got up once, got up twice

until you came to realize

that your bones are now ashes

and your chest contains the dust of everything you gave away.

Your body’s standing while your soul is laying in your feet

begging “Stop it please”.

Your eyes blank as cave

spirit burning in flames

and your mind asking

*Shall we do this all again?*

Words have lost their meaning

nobody was there.

The tears were no longer streaming down your once lit up face.

There is nothing left to see here.

Try the next address.

Want to die, need to live.

How is it that people so often in a bad situation suddenly and drastically want to die? We say *I want to die*, * I could just die right now* but perhaps after a few hours we're all back on track with our routine. With our lives. How is it that so many people including myself have had that thought for years on, without end.Some nights, laying in bed and not wanting to live anymore for so many different reasons. How do you decide on life or death? You simply don't. As humans we are constantly on one edge or another and in very rare moments in the middle. On the edge, it's not us who make the final step. What if dopamine suddenly increased, that would probably stop you from any bad thing you might be doing to yourself. What if all those nights I cried myself to sleep so I could put the depressed feeling inside of me into a coma or when I screamed internally those 3 words and repeated them in my mind over and over again, what if my body and basic human instincts and emotions such as freedom, curiousity saved me from the part of me which wanted destruction? If I really want to die, why do everytime I hear a speeding car behind me, I step further into the inner side of the road? Why do I get scared when I see another car move towards the car I am in? Why do I jerk back into consciousness when I feel like I'm falling in my sleep? I might have died a hundred times already but I still grab onto the steadiest feeling and thought that would keep me breathing.
I might have wanted to die but the need for living weighted more than all of my dying wishes. I need to tell myself that I as a mind may want to die but I as my body won't let me go easy and I will hate it every time but after a few hours or days I'll see the truth when I look at someone I love and know I want to be here with them.
Every time sadness dawns upon you, just turn off the lights and go to sleep.

If I had one wish.

How do people with simple logic lead their life?
How much pain does it save not to be an intellectual?
I wish I knew.
I wish I never saw everything in a million lights.
I wish I belonged within something.
I wish I knew how is it to breathe fresh air without constantly being afraid of getting poisoned.
I wish I didn't love so deeply and so big that it ripped my flesh apart.
I wish I didn't feel like the one who always ends up alone.
I wish I had a sole purpose or any purpose at all.
What is my purpose?
To wish not to suffer because of my complex mind?
Or has my purpose been broken into a million pieces
and spread far and wide
where I could never reach
and all I can do is wander while my sorrow brings me a kind of pain that fire on flesh can not bring?
I wish I couldn't wish.
I wish I had no choice but to be stupid.
I wish people understood that the people they see as deep, unique and brilliant wish they weren't.
Because at the end of my path, I will die alone with a knife while they die with an empty head and a smile on their face.

My disorganized contradicting thoughts Vol. 1

Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression. 
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.