E.K.

When you love someone more than yourself. Than everything you have ever loved, it is the most alive you will be. I never thought I could love with every part of my being. It felt like a thousand stars lit me up when I thought of him. It was nothing like before. There were no if's and don'ts. Nothing taboo about us. I found myself utterly devoted to someone I never believed existed.
I could write a million words that's for sure. I want him to see it, to feel it within him. All anybody should ever want is love. Everything else seems relevant until you fall into it. Nothing will ever be worth your time and efforts more than love. There is no purpose to life. It's not a fact. We make it and follow that path each day but it all ends with being loved. At the end of the day, there is nothing you'll regret more than not opening up yourself to somebody.
I never thought I'd say this myself. I was born into a limited world, full of cynical people pressured by reality. No art or imagination. All I could ever dream of was far off somewhere I did not belong and I believed that until now. I caught myself loving him more than anything. The way his words flew upon me and shined through my cracks that he was so happy to stick back together. I loved all of his little things, that nobody ever seemed to have. The way he sought right through me the first time we exchanged words.
The way I could not stop thinking about him from the very first day.
How happy I got when he told me I was on his mind.
How fast that grew upon me and nothing seemed to be of importance when the comfort of his words was there.
How much it hurt not being around him and feeling the empty space inside my chest.
Nothing ever seemed more right than this. No logic could explain it.
Perhaps it was always there. Meant to be. Or whatever else they say.
It's like staring right into the sun but I could not look away.
I felt it all over me, it gave me insomnia and goosebumps.
I actually feel alive. With every breath I take I love him more.
I could never turn back to the past me, the disappointed idealist.
This wasn't idealistic, no logic behind it. It was merely a thought, which has no bloomed throughout my entire body.
It was flawed on it's own, we were flawed on our own, nothing of that seemed to be present when we were together.
I could never ask for more than his mind and heart.
After all it felt like asking for what was mine and lost.
Until now, when it's restored and would forever remain inside where it belongs.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

When did we become so bitter to ourselves,
that we started hurting the people we love?
The moment in which you speak
and at the same time realizing what you're doing?
What this of which you speak will result in
and when it has been spoken and done,
you do not have any exit but to soak in the guilt and regret
which you just caused yourself.
Let alone the ache you just set in the other person.

It starts in the head.
Guilt and regret set in
within minutes it sets into your tonsils
and it gets hard to breathe.
Every word which you are yet to speak becomes helpless.
I'm sorry means nothing when you've said so much.
And then you find yourself in the center of the circle of reality.
You can not bend time, you can not erase words or memories.

It moves into the chest.
It stings around your heart and takes over your lungs.
A weightless weight inside your being
which you set into yourself by speaking in a moment of complete weakness
It stings for hours on, until what you have done
repeats for the hundredth time inside your head.
Your own ghost of words haunting you.

It finally falls down to your gut.
Leaving parts of itself punctured through your vital organs.
Remaining there for you to remember what you've done
and give you an idea of what you've caused.
It may never go away and we know it
and then again
when did we become so bitter to ourselves
that we started hurting the people we love?

Annie, Deb and Sue

Months went by
without Annie , Deb and Sue by my side.
They left me dazed and numb.
Not human.

all the days and nights I spent with Deb were silent
she never talked
but I could hear her every word.
It was an undeniable connection
me and her
She used to visit often when I had a bad day
somehow I always knew she would
but was never strong enough to tell her
to go home and leave me alone to get my mind together.

Sue used to come along with Deb when she felt I needed someone else.
She was never silent though.
She never stopped indulging my ears and mind.
"Come on, do it"
"I know you want to"
"It's the only way"
"Think about the comfort in that"
"You'll be free"
I thought she was right, believed her blindly
yet in utter realization of her intentions.

Annie was my bestest friend.
She almost never left.
She was there with me
in the morning
in the evening
until sleep overcame me.
She was never there with Deb and Sue.
always showed up before and after.
She talked in small words
always asked the right questions.
Over and over again.
The one she asked most often was
"When are Deb and Sue coming back?"
I never knew the answer to that question
Which scared me to death.

Him

All my life I lived in fog
believing I belonged there
that everything too clear and honest
was not my essence.
I watched the wind move the grass and trees
through the window of my faded mind
I was locked away from what I desired
by my own self.
Love - I thought is such a bizarre concept,
I put all the logic together and defined love.
I lived with that lie way too long
until I met you.
The one who pulled me out of the window and helped me see clearly
nothing was defined , so everything was real.
I caught myself wishing upon stars and yearning for you during lonely hours.
I wish I could define it but I can't,
I wish a simple " I love you" would be enough.
It is not enough.
It does not satisfy my need for what is that I feel for you.
With you I'm real and I exist.
I hid so long from the beauty inside me
I had forgotten the colours of my soul.
I love you. I'm sorry.
It's not enough to tell you what you mean to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm dying here, always.
Dying
with you
without you
within me
you're there
you'll always be there.
I love you more than I did when this poem started
I can't believe how that is possible
but with you - you never know in which land I'd go.
All I know is that the only thing I'd be searching for is you.

Thoughts

I've never understood the forever conflicting concepts of right and wrong.
Adults say kids are wrong and kids say adults are wrong but either way nobody of them is actually right.
Because kids experience thins adults have long forgotten and adults very rarely let themselves feel like kids, see as kids, dream like kids.
Which is right and which is wrong?
Being 6 and dreaming about the world beyond or
shielding yourself from that world because you think that your grown up reality is the bitter truth of life?

Him

What if you're the one?
What if this is all a sick joke?
I feel your hands around my throat and smile
as they grip harder I realize it's only the hands of your physical absence.
The pain in my chest is killing me. 
Another ghost of you is in there, trying to escape
but time won't let it.
You're not here and I feel that the moment I spoke your name
a part of me was sent off your way 
that's whats missing.
You're not here and I bury my nails in my chest
trying to make it stop
to somehow numb the hallow space of my heart
just for a moment.
But you're still not here
and I miss you more each day
but I love you more today
and more tomorrow
and the day after that.
It keeps raining and I keep shivering
with every drop of rain touching my flesh
because I know that's you touching me while I'm in your thoughts.
One day I swear
when I am swimming in your ocean
I won't even make the effort to breathe.
You're still not here
but it's nice to know 
you're somewhere out there at all.

Him

At night I lay and dream about your hands on my skin
about your fingers in my hair and your breath in the air,
Yesterday was filled with you, today and tomorrow perhaps too.
I long to see your naked soul, spread around my bedsheets
Raw and honest ,never ending romance.
I can't shake this even If I wished.
How long before I get completely lost?
I wouldn't care, wouldn't care
only want to have you there.