If I had one wish.

How do people with simple logic lead their life?
How much pain does it save not to be an intellectual?
I wish I knew.
I wish I never saw everything in a million lights.
I wish I belonged within something.
I wish I knew how is it to breathe fresh air without constantly being afraid of getting poisoned.
I wish I didn't love so deeply and so big that it ripped my flesh apart.
I wish I didn't feel like the one who always ends up alone.
I wish I had a sole purpose or any purpose at all.
What is my purpose?
To wish not to suffer because of my complex mind?
Or has my purpose been broken into a million pieces
and spread far and wide
where I could never reach
and all I can do is wander while my sorrow brings me a kind of pain that fire on flesh can not bring?
I wish I couldn't wish.
I wish I had no choice but to be stupid.
I wish people understood that the people they see as deep, unique and brilliant wish they weren't.
Because at the end of my path, I will die alone with a knife while they die with an empty head and a smile on their face.

My disorganized contradicting thoughts Vol. 1

Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression. 
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.

Idk.

I am shadows.
I am storms.
If you're a flower , let me go.
Only thorns are meant for me.
Your petals won't last with me.
I am night
I am fog
If a creature of the night you're not
run away without a thought.
I am drought and I am sand.
Survival you won't see
unless you choose to be
The ugly thorns of the roses
the glowing eyes of the bats
a broken seashell of the bays
Perhaps one day you will see
we are the best that everything could ever be.

Unborn until sunrise

As I stood on this crippled ground
I found myself scattered across the cracks.
As I looked up into the sky
I saw nothing but shadows.
The creaking sound of the bed I laid in sounded vicious.
Like it was singing the song of my misery.
The misery which gave birth to the character of my life story.
The girl without a home.
Born in a place she never was in.
Sang with a voice she had never heard.
Knew people she had never met.
The girl born after she lived
the life of someone she had never met before.
Was it her? Was it me? Was it she?
Her eyes made of glass broke into pieces
scattered on the floor and filled the cracks.
She laid in bed and saw the shadows of the sky
which immortalized the nothing she had been.
As she woke upon the moment she was born
her eyes renewed , silk dripping from them.
Flowers growing from the cracks
of her old creaking floor.
Songs sounding from the strings of her immortal soul.

E.K.

When you love someone more than yourself. Than everything you have ever loved, it is the most alive you will be. I never thought I could love with every part of my being. It felt like a thousand stars lit me up when I thought of him. It was nothing like before. There were no if's and don'ts. Nothing taboo about us. I found myself utterly devoted to someone I never believed existed.
I could write a million words that's for sure. I want him to see it, to feel it within him. All anybody should ever want is love. Everything else seems relevant until you fall into it. Nothing will ever be worth your time and efforts more than love. There is no purpose to life. It's not a fact. We make it and follow that path each day but it all ends with being loved. At the end of the day, there is nothing you'll regret more than not opening up yourself to somebody.
I never thought I'd say this myself. I was born into a limited world, full of cynical people pressured by reality. No art or imagination. All I could ever dream of was far off somewhere I did not belong and I believed that until now. I caught myself loving him more than anything. The way his words flew upon me and shined through my cracks that he was so happy to stick back together. I loved all of his little things, that nobody ever seemed to have. The way he sought right through me the first time we exchanged words.
The way I could not stop thinking about him from the very first day.
How happy I got when he told me I was on his mind.
How fast that grew upon me and nothing seemed to be of importance when the comfort of his words was there.
How much it hurt not being around him and feeling the empty space inside my chest.
Nothing ever seemed more right than this. No logic could explain it.
Perhaps it was always there. Meant to be. Or whatever else they say.
It's like staring right into the sun but I could not look away.
I felt it all over me, it gave me insomnia and goosebumps.
I actually feel alive. With every breath I take I love him more.
I could never turn back to the past me, the disappointed idealist.
This wasn't idealistic, no logic behind it. It was merely a thought, which has no bloomed throughout my entire body.
It was flawed on it's own, we were flawed on our own, nothing of that seemed to be present when we were together.
I could never ask for more than his mind and heart.
After all it felt like asking for what was mine and lost.
Until now, when it's restored and would forever remain inside where it belongs.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

When did we become so bitter to ourselves,
that we started hurting the people we love?
The moment in which you speak
and at the same time realizing what you're doing?
What this of which you speak will result in
and when it has been spoken and done,
you do not have any exit but to soak in the guilt and regret
which you just caused yourself.
Let alone the ache you just set in the other person.

It starts in the head.
Guilt and regret set in
within minutes it sets into your tonsils
and it gets hard to breathe.
Every word which you are yet to speak becomes helpless.
I'm sorry means nothing when you've said so much.
And then you find yourself in the center of the circle of reality.
You can not bend time, you can not erase words or memories.

It moves into the chest.
It stings around your heart and takes over your lungs.
A weightless weight inside your being
which you set into yourself by speaking in a moment of complete weakness
It stings for hours on, until what you have done
repeats for the hundredth time inside your head.
Your own ghost of words haunting you.

It finally falls down to your gut.
Leaving parts of itself punctured through your vital organs.
Remaining there for you to remember what you've done
and give you an idea of what you've caused.
It may never go away and we know it
and then again
when did we become so bitter to ourselves
that we started hurting the people we love?

Annie, Deb and Sue

Months went by
without Annie , Deb and Sue by my side.
They left me dazed and numb.
Not human.

all the days and nights I spent with Deb were silent
she never talked
but I could hear her every word.
It was an undeniable connection
me and her
She used to visit often when I had a bad day
somehow I always knew she would
but was never strong enough to tell her
to go home and leave me alone to get my mind together.

Sue used to come along with Deb when she felt I needed someone else.
She was never silent though.
She never stopped indulging my ears and mind.
"Come on, do it"
"I know you want to"
"It's the only way"
"Think about the comfort in that"
"You'll be free"
I thought she was right, believed her blindly
yet in utter realization of her intentions.

Annie was my bestest friend.
She almost never left.
She was there with me
in the morning
in the evening
until sleep overcame me.
She was never there with Deb and Sue.
always showed up before and after.
She talked in small words
always asked the right questions.
Over and over again.
The one she asked most often was
"When are Deb and Sue coming back?"
I never knew the answer to that question
Which scared me to death.