Growth of death

What happens to the person

who has fought with themselves

since they weren’t even able to tie their own shoes?

They either grow to believe things get better and make it out

or they grow into their destined shattered self and live until one day the ball drops and it’s not about patience or hope anymore.

It’s either ride or die.

Look at you, you fragile robbed soul

who were brave enough to give yourself away

when you only had your heart, crippled as it is.

Got up once, got up twice

until you came to realize

that your bones are now ashes

and your chest contains the dust of everything you gave away.

Your body’s standing while your soul is laying in your feet

begging “Stop it please”.

Your eyes blank as cave

spirit burning in flames

and your mind asking

*Shall we do this all again?*

Words have lost their meaning

nobody was there.

The tears were no longer streaming down your once lit up face.

There is nothing left to see here.

Try the next address.

Want to die, need to live.

How is it that people so often in a bad situation suddenly and drastically want to die? We say *I want to die*, * I could just die right now* but perhaps after a few hours we're all back on track with our routine. With our lives. How is it that so many people including myself have had that thought for years on, without end.Some nights, laying in bed and not wanting to live anymore for so many different reasons. How do you decide on life or death? You simply don't. As humans we are constantly on one edge or another and in very rare moments in the middle. On the edge, it's not us who make the final step. What if dopamine suddenly increased, that would probably stop you from any bad thing you might be doing to yourself. What if all those nights I cried myself to sleep so I could put the depressed feeling inside of me into a coma or when I screamed internally those 3 words and repeated them in my mind over and over again, what if my body and basic human instincts and emotions such as freedom, curiousity saved me from the part of me which wanted destruction? If I really want to die, why do everytime I hear a speeding car behind me, I step further into the inner side of the road? Why do I get scared when I see another car move towards the car I am in? Why do I jerk back into consciousness when I feel like I'm falling in my sleep? I might have died a hundred times already but I still grab onto the steadiest feeling and thought that would keep me breathing.
I might have wanted to die but the need for living weighted more than all of my dying wishes. I need to tell myself that I as a mind may want to die but I as my body won't let me go easy and I will hate it every time but after a few hours or days I'll see the truth when I look at someone I love and know I want to be here with them.
Every time sadness dawns upon you, just turn off the lights and go to sleep.

If I had one wish.

How do people with simple logic lead their life?
How much pain does it save not to be an intellectual?
I wish I knew.
I wish I never saw everything in a million lights.
I wish I belonged within something.
I wish I knew how is it to breathe fresh air without constantly being afraid of getting poisoned.
I wish I didn't love so deeply and so big that it ripped my flesh apart.
I wish I didn't feel like the one who always ends up alone.
I wish I had a sole purpose or any purpose at all.
What is my purpose?
To wish not to suffer because of my complex mind?
Or has my purpose been broken into a million pieces
and spread far and wide
where I could never reach
and all I can do is wander while my sorrow brings me a kind of pain that fire on flesh can not bring?
I wish I couldn't wish.
I wish I had no choice but to be stupid.
I wish people understood that the people they see as deep, unique and brilliant wish they weren't.
Because at the end of my path, I will die alone with a knife while they die with an empty head and a smile on their face.

My disorganized contradicting thoughts Vol. 1

Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression. 
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.

Idk.

I am shadows.
I am storms.
If you're a flower , let me go.
Only thorns are meant for me.
Your petals won't last with me.
I am night
I am fog
If a creature of the night you're not
run away without a thought.
I am drought and I am sand.
Survival you won't see
unless you choose to be
The ugly thorns of the roses
the glowing eyes of the bats
a broken seashell of the bays
Perhaps one day you will see
we are the best that everything could ever be.

Unborn until sunrise

As I stood on this crippled ground
I found myself scattered across the cracks.
As I looked up into the sky
I saw nothing but shadows.
The creaking sound of the bed I laid in sounded vicious.
Like it was singing the song of my misery.
The misery which gave birth to the character of my life story.
The girl without a home.
Born in a place she never was in.
Sang with a voice she had never heard.
Knew people she had never met.
The girl born after she lived
the life of someone she had never met before.
Was it her? Was it me? Was it she?
Her eyes made of glass broke into pieces
scattered on the floor and filled the cracks.
She laid in bed and saw the shadows of the sky
which immortalized the nothing she had been.
As she woke upon the moment she was born
her eyes renewed , silk dripping from them.
Flowers growing from the cracks
of her old creaking floor.
Songs sounding from the strings of her immortal soul.

E.K.

When you love someone more than yourself. Than everything you have ever loved, it is the most alive you will be. I never thought I could love with every part of my being. It felt like a thousand stars lit me up when I thought of him. It was nothing like before. There were no if's and don'ts. Nothing taboo about us. I found myself utterly devoted to someone I never believed existed.
I could write a million words that's for sure. I want him to see it, to feel it within him. All anybody should ever want is love. Everything else seems relevant until you fall into it. Nothing will ever be worth your time and efforts more than love. There is no purpose to life. It's not a fact. We make it and follow that path each day but it all ends with being loved. At the end of the day, there is nothing you'll regret more than not opening up yourself to somebody.
I never thought I'd say this myself. I was born into a limited world, full of cynical people pressured by reality. No art or imagination. All I could ever dream of was far off somewhere I did not belong and I believed that until now. I caught myself loving him more than anything. The way his words flew upon me and shined through my cracks that he was so happy to stick back together. I loved all of his little things, that nobody ever seemed to have. The way he sought right through me the first time we exchanged words.
The way I could not stop thinking about him from the very first day.
How happy I got when he told me I was on his mind.
How fast that grew upon me and nothing seemed to be of importance when the comfort of his words was there.
How much it hurt not being around him and feeling the empty space inside my chest.
Nothing ever seemed more right than this. No logic could explain it.
Perhaps it was always there. Meant to be. Or whatever else they say.
It's like staring right into the sun but I could not look away.
I felt it all over me, it gave me insomnia and goosebumps.
I actually feel alive. With every breath I take I love him more.
I could never turn back to the past me, the disappointed idealist.
This wasn't idealistic, no logic behind it. It was merely a thought, which has no bloomed throughout my entire body.
It was flawed on it's own, we were flawed on our own, nothing of that seemed to be present when we were together.
I could never ask for more than his mind and heart.
After all it felt like asking for what was mine and lost.
Until now, when it's restored and would forever remain inside where it belongs.