Post War (An Inner monologue)

It's hard to be a human being, not because of the things we face on a daily basis but because of everything that runs through our mind.
It's easy to judge others but we never judge ourselves the same way , when we do it could drown us.
I have encountered that.
The lethal dose of thoughts which makes you feel brain dead.
All of those nights I've spent just laying in bed thinking with no path or exit.
Or crying until my head hurt to the point of not being able to think and becoming brain dead. Looking for a way to explain all of it to yourself but not understanding why you're in this state of mind. Why are you being something at all??
Or are you at all here? Are you what you were in your memories or is that someone distant who you have no connection with anymore? As you lay there are you numb or are you real at all? Is it worth it, crying over this? No, it;s not but what happens when you're over the things you know and enter an unknown realm of your own head and wander while it's slowly killing you? Are we lethal to ourselves? Yes, of course we are, some are just too shallow to realize it and never go that deep within themselves.
They will perhaps never know what it is to feel guilty of something that doesn't exist. Now that's lethal. Being in a battle with your mins, fighting your shadow. That makes you real. Feeling makes you real but are you?
Perhaps it's better not to find out because that could be self-destruction waiting for you to take a turn down the unlighted alley of your brain and stab you in your weakest spot. Is it worth it? No. Then why do we do it? Why do I? Why did I want to end myself even though I had no proof of being alive? How common is it?
To have everyone refuse who you are and then you refuse yourself because of them?
That's scary. Scariest thing you could experience inside your head alone.
Feeling ALONE , in a room full of people who have known you since the beginning of your unreal existence?  Isn't that scary? To have your makers and those who shaped you refuse your existence?
Don't believe what those ghosts tell you. They're not yours to deal with.
Focus on yours and let them kill you.
Acknowledge them. Accept them and let them go.
That's what I did and now I'm lifeless. I've chained my feelings to a place I can't reach to. I've given up my humanity for peace. Thing is I don't know how long that contract lasts.
Hopefully enough for me not to go insane again.
The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Time

Now is now
now will never be repeated
because you'll never be the same.
Not tomorrow.
Not any day.