Him

All my life I lived in fog
believing I belonged there
that everything too clear and honest
was not my essence.
I watched the wind move the grass and trees
through the window of my faded mind
I was locked away from what I desired
by my own self.
Love - I thought is such a bizarre concept,
I put all the logic together and defined love.
I lived with that lie way too long
until I met you.
The one who pulled me out of the window and helped me see clearly
nothing was defined , so everything was real.
I caught myself wishing upon stars and yearning for you during lonely hours.
I wish I could define it but I can't,
I wish a simple " I love you" would be enough.
It is not enough.
It does not satisfy my need for what is that I feel for you.
With you I'm real and I exist.
I hid so long from the beauty inside me
I had forgotten the colours of my soul.
I love you. I'm sorry.
It's not enough to tell you what you mean to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm dying here, always.
Dying
with you
without you
within me
you're there
you'll always be there.
I love you more than I did when this poem started
I can't believe how that is possible
but with you - you never know in which land I'd go.
All I know is that the only thing I'd be searching for is you.

Thoughts

I've never understood the forever conflicting concepts of right and wrong.
Adults say kids are wrong and kids say adults are wrong but either way nobody of them is actually right.
Because kids experience thins adults have long forgotten and adults very rarely let themselves feel like kids, see as kids, dream like kids.
Which is right and which is wrong?
Being 6 and dreaming about the world beyond or
shielding yourself from that world because you think that your grown up reality is the bitter truth of life?

Him

What if you're the one?
What if this is all a sick joke?
I feel your hands around my throat and smile
as they grip harder I realize it's only the hands of your physical absence.
The pain in my chest is killing me. 
Another ghost of you is in there, trying to escape
but time won't let it.
You're not here and I feel that the moment I spoke your name
a part of me was sent off your way 
that's whats missing.
You're not here and I bury my nails in my chest
trying to make it stop
to somehow numb the hallow space of my heart
just for a moment.
But you're still not here
and I miss you more each day
but I love you more today
and more tomorrow
and the day after that.
It keeps raining and I keep shivering
with every drop of rain touching my flesh
because I know that's you touching me while I'm in your thoughts.
One day I swear
when I am swimming in your ocean
I won't even make the effort to breathe.
You're still not here
but it's nice to know 
you're somewhere out there at all.