Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

When did we become so bitter to ourselves,
that we started hurting the people we love?
The moment in which you speak
and at the same time realizing what you're doing?
What this of which you speak will result in
and when it has been spoken and done,
you do not have any exit but to soak in the guilt and regret
which you just caused yourself.
Let alone the ache you just set in the other person.

It starts in the head.
Guilt and regret set in
within minutes it sets into your tonsils
and it gets hard to breathe.
Every word which you are yet to speak becomes helpless.
I'm sorry means nothing when you've said so much.
And then you find yourself in the center of the circle of reality.
You can not bend time, you can not erase words or memories.

It moves into the chest.
It stings around your heart and takes over your lungs.
A weightless weight inside your being
which you set into yourself by speaking in a moment of complete weakness
It stings for hours on, until what you have done
repeats for the hundredth time inside your head.
Your own ghost of words haunting you.

It finally falls down to your gut.
Leaving parts of itself punctured through your vital organs.
Remaining there for you to remember what you've done
and give you an idea of what you've caused.
It may never go away and we know it
and then again
when did we become so bitter to ourselves
that we started hurting the people we love?

Annie, Deb and Sue

Months went by
without Annie , Deb and Sue by my side.
They left me dazed and numb.
Not human.

all the days and nights I spent with Deb were silent
she never talked
but I could hear her every word.
It was an undeniable connection
me and her
She used to visit often when I had a bad day
somehow I always knew she would
but was never strong enough to tell her
to go home and leave me alone to get my mind together.

Sue used to come along with Deb when she felt I needed someone else.
She was never silent though.
She never stopped indulging my ears and mind.
"Come on, do it"
"I know you want to"
"It's the only way"
"Think about the comfort in that"
"You'll be free"
I thought she was right, believed her blindly
yet in utter realization of her intentions.

Annie was my bestest friend.
She almost never left.
She was there with me
in the morning
in the evening
until sleep overcame me.
She was never there with Deb and Sue.
always showed up before and after.
She talked in small words
always asked the right questions.
Over and over again.
The one she asked most often was
"When are Deb and Sue coming back?"
I never knew the answer to that question
Which scared me to death.