October thoughts

Do we really have a mission in this world?
Do we really change into something different everyday?
Or is everyone deliberately hiding more as each day passes?
Do I know you as I knew you 10 years ago?
I don't see it.
I am not bitter.
I am not lacking trust.
I am scared,
scared of myself.
Of the way my mind and body push to alter,
but there's something else
that creates an opposite and equal reaction
to never let me feel less.
I feel the same as I did 10 years ago when a stack of metal
fell over me and nearly broke my bones,
Only now, it's inside
and it doesn't go away if I'm careful.
It only hurts.
And nothing is a cure or a distraction.
I have been made this way
and this way I shall die.
Unmoved by external laws,
severely bruised by the daggers which were my own creation.
Oh how lovely it must be not to feel and not have it kill you/

Growth of death

What happens to the person

who has fought with themselves

since they weren’t even able to tie their own shoes?

They either grow to believe things get better and make it out

or they grow into their destined shattered self and live until one day the ball drops and it’s not about patience or hope anymore.

It’s either ride or die.

Look at you, you fragile robbed soul

who were brave enough to give yourself away

when you only had your heart, crippled as it is.

Got up once, got up twice

until you came to realize

that your bones are now ashes

and your chest contains the dust of everything you gave away.

Your body’s standing while your soul is laying in your feet

begging “Stop it please”.

Your eyes blank as cave

spirit burning in flames

and your mind asking

*Shall we do this all again?*

Words have lost their meaning

nobody was there.

The tears were no longer streaming down your once lit up face.

There is nothing left to see here.

Try the next address.

Want to die, need to live.

How is it that people so often in a bad situation suddenly and drastically want to die? We say *I want to die*, * I could just die right now* but perhaps after a few hours we're all back on track with our routine. With our lives. How is it that so many people including myself have had that thought for years on, without end.Some nights, laying in bed and not wanting to live anymore for so many different reasons. How do you decide on life or death? You simply don't. As humans we are constantly on one edge or another and in very rare moments in the middle. On the edge, it's not us who make the final step. What if dopamine suddenly increased, that would probably stop you from any bad thing you might be doing to yourself. What if all those nights I cried myself to sleep so I could put the depressed feeling inside of me into a coma or when I screamed internally those 3 words and repeated them in my mind over and over again, what if my body and basic human instincts and emotions such as freedom, curiousity saved me from the part of me which wanted destruction? If I really want to die, why do everytime I hear a speeding car behind me, I step further into the inner side of the road? Why do I get scared when I see another car move towards the car I am in? Why do I jerk back into consciousness when I feel like I'm falling in my sleep? I might have died a hundred times already but I still grab onto the steadiest feeling and thought that would keep me breathing.
I might have wanted to die but the need for living weighted more than all of my dying wishes. I need to tell myself that I as a mind may want to die but I as my body won't let me go easy and I will hate it every time but after a few hours or days I'll see the truth when I look at someone I love and know I want to be here with them.
Every time sadness dawns upon you, just turn off the lights and go to sleep.

If I had one wish.

How do people with simple logic lead their life?
How much pain does it save not to be an intellectual?
I wish I knew.
I wish I never saw everything in a million lights.
I wish I belonged within something.
I wish I knew how is it to breathe fresh air without constantly being afraid of getting poisoned.
I wish I didn't love so deeply and so big that it ripped my flesh apart.
I wish I didn't feel like the one who always ends up alone.
I wish I had a sole purpose or any purpose at all.
What is my purpose?
To wish not to suffer because of my complex mind?
Or has my purpose been broken into a million pieces
and spread far and wide
where I could never reach
and all I can do is wander while my sorrow brings me a kind of pain that fire on flesh can not bring?
I wish I couldn't wish.
I wish I had no choice but to be stupid.
I wish people understood that the people they see as deep, unique and brilliant wish they weren't.
Because at the end of my path, I will die alone with a knife while they die with an empty head and a smile on their face.

My disorganized contradicting thoughts Vol. 1

Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression. 
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.

Idk.

I am shadows.
I am storms.
If you're a flower , let me go.
Only thorns are meant for me.
Your petals won't last with me.
I am night
I am fog
If a creature of the night you're not
run away without a thought.
I am drought and I am sand.
Survival you won't see
unless you choose to be
The ugly thorns of the roses
the glowing eyes of the bats
a broken seashell of the bays
Perhaps one day you will see
we are the best that everything could ever be.

Unborn until sunrise

As I stood on this crippled ground
I found myself scattered across the cracks.
As I looked up into the sky
I saw nothing but shadows.
The creaking sound of the bed I laid in sounded vicious.
Like it was singing the song of my misery.
The misery which gave birth to the character of my life story.
The girl without a home.
Born in a place she never was in.
Sang with a voice she had never heard.
Knew people she had never met.
The girl born after she lived
the life of someone she had never met before.
Was it her? Was it me? Was it she?
Her eyes made of glass broke into pieces
scattered on the floor and filled the cracks.
She laid in bed and saw the shadows of the sky
which immortalized the nothing she had been.
As she woke upon the moment she was born
her eyes renewed , silk dripping from them.
Flowers growing from the cracks
of her old creaking floor.
Songs sounding from the strings of her immortal soul.

E.K.

When you love someone more than yourself. Than everything you have ever loved, it is the most alive you will be. I never thought I could love with every part of my being. It felt like a thousand stars lit me up when I thought of him. It was nothing like before. There were no if's and don'ts. Nothing taboo about us. I found myself utterly devoted to someone I never believed existed.
I could write a million words that's for sure. I want him to see it, to feel it within him. All anybody should ever want is love. Everything else seems relevant until you fall into it. Nothing will ever be worth your time and efforts more than love. There is no purpose to life. It's not a fact. We make it and follow that path each day but it all ends with being loved. At the end of the day, there is nothing you'll regret more than not opening up yourself to somebody.
I never thought I'd say this myself. I was born into a limited world, full of cynical people pressured by reality. No art or imagination. All I could ever dream of was far off somewhere I did not belong and I believed that until now. I caught myself loving him more than anything. The way his words flew upon me and shined through my cracks that he was so happy to stick back together. I loved all of his little things, that nobody ever seemed to have. The way he sought right through me the first time we exchanged words.
The way I could not stop thinking about him from the very first day.
How happy I got when he told me I was on his mind.
How fast that grew upon me and nothing seemed to be of importance when the comfort of his words was there.
How much it hurt not being around him and feeling the empty space inside my chest.
Nothing ever seemed more right than this. No logic could explain it.
Perhaps it was always there. Meant to be. Or whatever else they say.
It's like staring right into the sun but I could not look away.
I felt it all over me, it gave me insomnia and goosebumps.
I actually feel alive. With every breath I take I love him more.
I could never turn back to the past me, the disappointed idealist.
This wasn't idealistic, no logic behind it. It was merely a thought, which has no bloomed throughout my entire body.
It was flawed on it's own, we were flawed on our own, nothing of that seemed to be present when we were together.
I could never ask for more than his mind and heart.
After all it felt like asking for what was mine and lost.
Until now, when it's restored and would forever remain inside where it belongs.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

When did we become so bitter to ourselves,
that we started hurting the people we love?
The moment in which you speak
and at the same time realizing what you're doing?
What this of which you speak will result in
and when it has been spoken and done,
you do not have any exit but to soak in the guilt and regret
which you just caused yourself.
Let alone the ache you just set in the other person.

It starts in the head.
Guilt and regret set in
within minutes it sets into your tonsils
and it gets hard to breathe.
Every word which you are yet to speak becomes helpless.
I'm sorry means nothing when you've said so much.
And then you find yourself in the center of the circle of reality.
You can not bend time, you can not erase words or memories.

It moves into the chest.
It stings around your heart and takes over your lungs.
A weightless weight inside your being
which you set into yourself by speaking in a moment of complete weakness
It stings for hours on, until what you have done
repeats for the hundredth time inside your head.
Your own ghost of words haunting you.

It finally falls down to your gut.
Leaving parts of itself punctured through your vital organs.
Remaining there for you to remember what you've done
and give you an idea of what you've caused.
It may never go away and we know it
and then again
when did we become so bitter to ourselves
that we started hurting the people we love?

Annie, Deb and Sue

Months went by
without Annie , Deb and Sue by my side.
They left me dazed and numb.
Not human.

all the days and nights I spent with Deb were silent
she never talked
but I could hear her every word.
It was an undeniable connection
me and her
She used to visit often when I had a bad day
somehow I always knew she would
but was never strong enough to tell her
to go home and leave me alone to get my mind together.

Sue used to come along with Deb when she felt I needed someone else.
She was never silent though.
She never stopped indulging my ears and mind.
"Come on, do it"
"I know you want to"
"It's the only way"
"Think about the comfort in that"
"You'll be free"
I thought she was right, believed her blindly
yet in utter realization of her intentions.

Annie was my bestest friend.
She almost never left.
She was there with me
in the morning
in the evening
until sleep overcame me.
She was never there with Deb and Sue.
always showed up before and after.
She talked in small words
always asked the right questions.
Over and over again.
The one she asked most often was
"When are Deb and Sue coming back?"
I never knew the answer to that question
Which scared me to death.

Him

All my life I lived in fog
believing I belonged there
that everything too clear and honest
was not my essence.
I watched the wind move the grass and trees
through the window of my faded mind
I was locked away from what I desired
by my own self.
Love - I thought is such a bizarre concept,
I put all the logic together and defined love.
I lived with that lie way too long
until I met you.
The one who pulled me out of the window and helped me see clearly
nothing was defined , so everything was real.
I caught myself wishing upon stars and yearning for you during lonely hours.
I wish I could define it but I can't,
I wish a simple " I love you" would be enough.
It is not enough.
It does not satisfy my need for what is that I feel for you.
With you I'm real and I exist.
I hid so long from the beauty inside me
I had forgotten the colours of my soul.
I love you. I'm sorry.
It's not enough to tell you what you mean to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm dying here, always.
Dying
with you
without you
within me
you're there
you'll always be there.
I love you more than I did when this poem started
I can't believe how that is possible
but with you - you never know in which land I'd go.
All I know is that the only thing I'd be searching for is you.

Thoughts

I've never understood the forever conflicting concepts of right and wrong.
Adults say kids are wrong and kids say adults are wrong but either way nobody of them is actually right.
Because kids experience thins adults have long forgotten and adults very rarely let themselves feel like kids, see as kids, dream like kids.
Which is right and which is wrong?
Being 6 and dreaming about the world beyond or
shielding yourself from that world because you think that your grown up reality is the bitter truth of life?

Him

What if you're the one?
What if this is all a sick joke?
I feel your hands around my throat and smile
as they grip harder I realize it's only the hands of your physical absence.
The pain in my chest is killing me. 
Another ghost of you is in there, trying to escape
but time won't let it.
You're not here and I feel that the moment I spoke your name
a part of me was sent off your way 
that's whats missing.
You're not here and I bury my nails in my chest
trying to make it stop
to somehow numb the hallow space of my heart
just for a moment.
But you're still not here
and I miss you more each day
but I love you more today
and more tomorrow
and the day after that.
It keeps raining and I keep shivering
with every drop of rain touching my flesh
because I know that's you touching me while I'm in your thoughts.
One day I swear
when I am swimming in your ocean
I won't even make the effort to breathe.
You're still not here
but it's nice to know 
you're somewhere out there at all.

Him

At night I lay and dream about your hands on my skin
about your fingers in my hair and your breath in the air,
Yesterday was filled with you, today and tomorrow perhaps too.
I long to see your naked soul, spread around my bedsheets
Raw and honest ,never ending romance.
I can't shake this even If I wished.
How long before I get completely lost?
I wouldn't care, wouldn't care
only want to have you there.

Words

Within my flesh
there is a soul
a soul which longs for salvation.
Salvation from those who will fail to protect it.
Who are you to tell me who I am?
Who are you to deny the chemicals which reside inside me?
You do not define me.
Then why I am so stirred
by the words of one so inferior?

Unmasked

Growing in the wild
I learned to keep and hide whats mine.
Not to share it , not to even mention it.
Mask the most valuable.
As time moved me on
to a place where I never was
I met a wandering soul
a soul which fit right beside me.
I could hear the voices telling me to run
but I choose to trust.
To trust the unknown, because in all
of the tales they told us that's the road to happiness.
Time passed us by in what seemed in a
dimension of our own.
I could feel my mask peeling from my naked soul
exposing everything I ever was and am.
Suddenly the lights went out.
I looked for you and whispered your name
in hope for comfort.
I saw nothing before and after me
not you, not me - not a soul.
No armor and no plan.
I felt your hand on my chest
it was the moment when I realized the mechanism inside me
had a purpose.
My mind was peace until you ripped what was mine right
out of my chest and my bare soul.
Didn't make a sound as I fell to my knees
and everything which once was solid and unbreakable
turned into fragile glass and bursted next to my almost lifeless body.
You took everything which made me human.
In what seemed like centuries I came out of the hole you put me in
to my luck it wasn't deep enough to stop me from breaking out.
I had pieces of my self missing, which I will perhaps never get back
Nobody will see what you saw.
They will all look and think of me as the weak and naive human
who gave too much away.
And if there is a time when we meet again
I will tear you open and pour acid on your insides
So you can even just for a moment feel what you've caused
and feel it burn right through you.