If I had one wish.

How do people with simple logic lead their life?
How much pain does it save not to be an intellectual?
I wish I knew.
I wish I never saw everything in a million lights.
I wish I belonged within something.
I wish I knew how is it to breathe fresh air without constantly being afraid of getting poisoned.
I wish I didn't love so deeply and so big that it ripped my flesh apart.
I wish I didn't feel like the one who always ends up alone.
I wish I had a sole purpose or any purpose at all.
What is my purpose?
To wish not to suffer because of my complex mind?
Or has my purpose been broken into a million pieces
and spread far and wide
where I could never reach
and all I can do is wander while my sorrow brings me a kind of pain that fire on flesh can not bring?
I wish I couldn't wish.
I wish I had no choice but to be stupid.
I wish people understood that the people they see as deep, unique and brilliant wish they weren't.
Because at the end of my path, I will die alone with a knife while they die with an empty head and a smile on their face.

My disorganized contradicting thoughts Vol. 1

Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression. 
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.

Idk.

I am shadows.
I am storms.
If you're a flower , let me go.
Only thorns are meant for me.
Your petals won't last with me.
I am night
I am fog
If a creature of the night you're not
run away without a thought.
I am drought and I am sand.
Survival you won't see
unless you choose to be
The ugly thorns of the roses
the glowing eyes of the bats
a broken seashell of the bays
Perhaps one day you will see
we are the best that everything could ever be.