Post War (An Inner monologue)

It's hard to be a human being, not because of the things we face on a daily basis but because of everything that runs through our mind.
It's easy to judge others but we never judge ourselves the same way , when we do it could drown us.
I have encountered that.
The lethal dose of thoughts which makes you feel brain dead.
All of those nights I've spent just laying in bed thinking with no path or exit.
Or crying until my head hurt to the point of not being able to think and becoming brain dead. Looking for a way to explain all of it to yourself but not understanding why you're in this state of mind. Why are you being something at all??
Or are you at all here? Are you what you were in your memories or is that someone distant who you have no connection with anymore? As you lay there are you numb or are you real at all? Is it worth it, crying over this? No, it;s not but what happens when you're over the things you know and enter an unknown realm of your own head and wander while it's slowly killing you? Are we lethal to ourselves? Yes, of course we are, some are just too shallow to realize it and never go that deep within themselves.
They will perhaps never know what it is to feel guilty of something that doesn't exist. Now that's lethal. Being in a battle with your mins, fighting your shadow. That makes you real. Feeling makes you real but are you?
Perhaps it's better not to find out because that could be self-destruction waiting for you to take a turn down the unlighted alley of your brain and stab you in your weakest spot. Is it worth it? No. Then why do we do it? Why do I? Why did I want to end myself even though I had no proof of being alive? How common is it?
To have everyone refuse who you are and then you refuse yourself because of them?
That's scary. Scariest thing you could experience inside your head alone.
Feeling ALONE , in a room full of people who have known you since the beginning of your unreal existence?  Isn't that scary? To have your makers and those who shaped you refuse your existence?
Don't believe what those ghosts tell you. They're not yours to deal with.
Focus on yours and let them kill you.
Acknowledge them. Accept them and let them go.
That's what I did and now I'm lifeless. I've chained my feelings to a place I can't reach to. I've given up my humanity for peace. Thing is I don't know how long that contract lasts.
Hopefully enough for me not to go insane again.
The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Time

Now is now
now will never be repeated
because you'll never be the same.
Not tomorrow.
Not any day.

Mere existence

It is said that crying has been a sign of being alive since we were born

Sure it is, until a certain point when you are left out of options.

The time when you can feel the wave of tears within yourself and the only thing

you can do is wait for it to hit you and try to not drown in it.

When you can feel the the aching pain in your head

which does not stop , until your body shuts off.

When the littlest thing such as facing someone in the eye

seems like the hardest thing to do, especially when you know

that someone is not the one to understand.

Who could anyway?

You couldn't.

The people who were supposed to

didn't know you enough to understand

nor did they try.

You are alone

and that should be enough

but what happens when

you're not even sure

where to look for yourself anymore.

Devil May Cry

Some people are like roses
no matter the color and how soft and delightful they look
they stand tall amongst everyone with their sharp thorns.
Nobody knows how something so beautiful could be so painful to hold on to.
It hurts to love and care for those people
 They will make your hands bleed and tear your skin apart
only to leave the mark of their own broken soul
which is beyond repair.
You try to fix it, it punctures through your skin
and breaks into pieces finer than snow.
Still you remain there for that person
drowning in your own blood but hoping
that by standing amongst the tall , wild flower
you'll one day see it wither
and see all of those fine pieces of their soul
dripping down their face
and wouldn't help but wonder
how such a devilish creature
who could bring so much ache to everyone who dares to hold it
is only the one thing people never sought it as.
Mere human, who once was too blinded to see the sharp thorns
 which were ripping through their own fragile skin.

Loner

I've always pressumed people as needful creatures but as I myself grew upon the reality of our world I thought that a person couldn't have been more wrong. With every day passing, every sunset,every moonrise I was more empowered by loneliness. It wasn't because I did not enjoy having someone around, It was because my mind couldn't handle the pressure of their presence. I wanted to be left alone , I didn't need anything from anyone because the time I had to think helped me achieve everything alone. I don't need someone to hold my hand when I wake up one day and realize I've become a selfish lifeless creature who doesn't bring anything but pity in someone. Because that will never be something I'll believe is possible. I don't need you to hold my hand , but i'll hold yours when your demons come for you. I'll be that vague shadow which fades but never leaves and perhaps disappear into your soul as you break the chains holding you to what is the need of someone. You'll be free to love without needing it. You'll learn that as you love one ,one might disappear but you won't suffer , you'll only grow with their faded shadow which will keep your soul and body together and in peace.

Dark Room

When we’re alone

We find ourselves in a dark room

Where our vision is of no power

So we shout ,scream and hit with the hope of the walls tearing down and

that the unknown destiny behind them is our cure

The End Of Something I Never Actually Started Taking Myself As A Motive

And in the end, when she had everything a girl like her would ever want, she sat down on her desk next to the window from which sunlight came in. Opened her journal and started writing the dreams she didn't think of as something important before but the fact that they were impossible to achieve now, made her the happiest for what she already had.

Me

I guess I was not sad about it all. I was angry at people who made me care and feel.  Because I was never that kind of a person. I did not like to care nor feel  and the more people brought that into me the more angry I became.

Ivy house

There has been always something about houses covered in ivy.

How they are naked in winter

covered in branches

dull and lifeless.

It's like a person's ribcage after their heart has been broken

Nothing grows there

because of the cold and the absence of the light.

And once spring comes

everything blooms again

The ivy covers the house again

all over

There is just something comforting about looking at the pure green plant hugging every inch of the house.

It's like the warmth of someone new

someone who came after winter to

comfort you

and

let your body come alive again.

There is so much beauty in something so simple

something only nature can give you.

and perhaps when i'm old and grey

I would be sitting on the front porch of my ivy covered house

with the person who let the light inside of me again.

3 am

cornerless room I saw

while my vision was getting compromised

by my sour tears.

And i just stood there

staring at myself in the mirror

all i saw was a shadow

a white pale ghost

suddenly the mirror fell down and cracked

i picked up and hung it up again

the picture was now clear

the white pale ghost

was my soul

shattered.

the bed felt like a safe haven

when a mind dizzying

sound broke my brain cells into

pieces.

i looked at the clock which glass's reflected the moonlight

the time was 3 am

I thought to myself that my widowed neighbour had too much to drink again.

the second i picked up the phone

i heard a deep low voice asking if it was rude of them to call at this hour

i said that it does not matter because they already have called

and why would an emotionally unstable person care anyway?

Everything went silent

"Hello?"

He hung up.

What an arse.

Didn't his mother tell him to stay away from sociopathic women?

Then it rang again.

I let the voice mail go on

and i heard

"Hello baby, it's me again, it's pretty late, but i still have some tears to shed"

I looked to the window on my right, the apartments were all light free.

Then on floor 2nd ,Apartment 6

There was a shadow of something i couldnt recognize

Maybe because the window was shattered

After I went to bed again it went away

It took me years to realize that every night at 3 am

i stared out of my right window

and that the shattered Apartment 6 window's shadow

was me ,looking for someone to save me

But the only thing i heard

was the voice inside my head

calling the phone

every night

at

3 am.

Winter Breeze, Summer Rain

Not too long ago
there was a girl that i used to know.
Who danced underneath the summer rain
little did i know
what she was waiting for.
She was waiting for the cold winter breeze
to come and freeze her in time.
Not too long ago
there was a girl i used to know
who did not dance
who did not speak
who only stood
who never had her heart shut
Oh there was a girl i used to know
a girl like summer and like rain
who became what nobody could ever tame
And I never really knew
the ice cage which she built
was so high and deep
deep
inside my dreadful ,frozen
head.

For starters

Heck, I don't know what that start-beginning of this will be although I do know i want to post my writing master pieces (not) and let unicorns read them for some reason which is yet unknown to me.
Enjoy

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It’s at night when we search for demons under the bed.
In reality demons are within us.
As you type that last word on your typewriter.
You realize how controlling that demon is.
He whispers those words into your ear.
You’re possessed by his power.
His impending voice.
The way it seems right to do what he says.
Love, he said.
Hate , he mumbled.
It’s a fine line my conscious mind thought
Is it me you’re looking for?
Is that why you wander here?
To throw me into the land of the wolves, where no mortal could survive?
You’re crazy, I screamed.
Then I felt the emotional blindness that covered my vision.
I walked slowly into the dawn.
I knew that I am walking towards doom.
But he said its right.
It felt Right.
I miss you, dark queen.
Your sparkling eyes of fire.
Your mesmerizing smile of doom.
Your words of mystic power.
I give in.
I am now yours.
And shall remain.
And after a lifetime
When I no longer recognize the sun.
I’ll fully accept the destiny which belongs
To my well-being.
And I’ll be yours.
You’ll be mine.
Time will not matter.
We will build the kingdom out of our own ashes.
And continue this lifeless journey of doom.
Called love.