Sometimes I feel like the capacity for emotion in my brain is unlimited and will forever throw me into the deepest pits of the ugly sided emotions which turn me into a completely different person. Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything I have. Not the love I get nor the care or attention. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I am convinced that what I want will escape me because I'll push it away due to my guilt , insecurity and left over depression.
I feel like i am not worthy of the things I receive because there comes a certain time when I wreck it all. I should not to be allowed to hope for security and happily ever after. People like me don't get that. I will forever be my worst enemy, my shadow will grab me by the throat and suck my true essence out of my lungs and heart and leave my brain to decompose by filling the rest of my body with these thoughts and signals coming from it.
I love you but I feel like I'll disappoint you.
I'm afraid of hurting you because you deserve everything that makes you happy.
I'm afraid I will someday not be enough to keep you standing, because that's all I want to do, but without the strength to hold myself, I will slip and let you shatter.
And never forgive myself.
I love you with all my heart but I feel like the world is against us.
But I will continue to love you because I find a better world in your words and that is my emotional morphine.
That is the salvation which waited years to come but I'm afraid of wrecking it and losing it forever.
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